A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer.
He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer, which must be why you play the drums.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
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A man sits down on a bar stool and tells the bartender, “Pour me a drink before the trouble starts.”
The bartender looks puzzled, but pours him a drink.
The man chugs it and says, “Pour me another drink before the trouble starts.”
The bartender does and the man downs it as quickly as the first.
After a few more rounds, the bartender says, “Look, pal: you’ve had five drinks and all you talk about is ‘some trouble starting.’ Just when is this trouble supposed to start?”
The man replies, “Just as soon as you discover I don’t have the money to pay you for these drinks!”
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Wife: “There’s trouble with car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in a carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the cas has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the pool.”
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My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. The I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo…. I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!
Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said:
“Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time… I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.”
